Do you just ever have those moments? You know the kind of moments that seem to last for days? For weeks?
I’ve always struggled with insecurities. As I sit here putting my thoughts into words, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t wrestle with feeling less then second best, unworthy, just not good enough. Now that I’m grown, now that I’ve lived and have life experiences under my belt, I know in my head that these insecurities are lies.
I thought really that I had overcome most of these insecurities.
But really, once you are taken out of the surroundings you have known your whole life, there is nothing more revealing to you about what you really believe.
We are on year three now. Three years since our move from Memphis. I’m sure some of you are wondering when I’m going to quit talking about that (see my insecurities coming into play here? always wondering what others are thinking and assuming you won’t like what I have to say, which is really about worrying that you don’t like me). After two years in a new city, God had another turn in the road for us and moved us to Texas.
Here we go again. A new city. A BIG new city. A new church. A new house.
No familiar faces. No one knows us. No one KNOWS our story.
All of our friends, all of our family, all of our people who have walked with us through our journey’s are no longer here with us. It can feel very lonely. Very isolating.
My insecurities that I thought had really moved out of my life came rising up to the top and showing their ugly faces. The lies were suddenly loud again and overwhelming my heart. I began to dwell on them and believe them.
I know God’s promises. I know God is madly and furiously in love with me. The scriptures tell me this and my heart has felt it. I know that He promises good for me, he promises to be near me, with me, for me. I know He calls me his daughter and I even know that I have an inheritance.
But knowing and feeling are two different things and man did I really get that these last few months. I would look at a scripture and say to God, “yeah right. God, you made this promise but it’s for everyone else. It’s not for me. Why am I not good enough? What is wrong with me?”
I have never felt so alone.
It’s important to note too that no one left me alone. Our experience here has been nothing but wonderful as far as relationships go. It has been so easy for all of us here. Which is why it’s all the more interesting why I was feeling this way.
I believe two things were happening with me this summer.
1. The enemy was working against me!
I was at a very vulnerable place and therefore more susceptible to the attacks from the Enemy. I believe with everything that I am in spiritual warfare and I know without a doubt that the Enemy was prowling around desiring to destroy me. He used my insecurities as his weapon of choice.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. ~ Ephesians 6:12
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.~ 1 Peter 5:8
I was not arming myself for the battle.
I was depressed, so I didn’t WANT to open up the bible. It was hard enough to believe the truth from the scriptures that I was recalling in my head.
2. God was working for me.
While the Enemy was attacking and maybe thinking he was winning, God was also at work in me. He is ALWAYS at work!
In the Psalms, David asked God to search his heart and mind. He asks God to test him and point out anything that offends Him. To point out his sin. Have you ever read this scripture? Have you ever read it and meant it for yourself? Watch out! It’s a wonderful thing.
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ~Psalm 139:23
My commentary calls this “exploratory surgery for sin.” I love that. I love it because it seems so fitting, so what it feels like. Surgery. It hurts and it’s not fun. But surgery may be necessary for your well-being.
Wikipedia defines surgery this way:
Surgery (from the Greek meaning “hand work”) is an ancient medical specialty that uses operative manual and instrumental techniques on a patient to investigate and/or treat a pathological condition such as disease or injury, or to help improve bodily function or appearance.
God was working in me. He was pointing out those things inside my heart that were deceitful. He was pointing out my sin of doubt and disbelief. He was revealing these things to me and I had a choice.
I had to choose who I would believe.
It felt like I was believing the lies. But I knew the truth. I knew what David said in the beginning of this same Psalm was true…
God, investigate my life;
get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
then up ahead and you’re there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can’t take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute—
YOU’RE ALREADY THERE WAITING!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you…
Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
OH, LET ME RISE IN THE MORNING AND LIVE ALWAYS WITH YOU!…
Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I’m about;
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong—
THEN GUIDE ME ON THE ROAD TO ETERNAL LIFE.
~ Psalm 139 , The Message (emphasis mine)
God was revealing the yuck in my heart so that I could follow him on the road to eternal life. God’s desire for us is to be HOLY! God is a holy God. We are made to be in his image. He will continue to work on us, always work on us, to be more like him!
It’s still hard. I still hear the lies but they are a little less often and a little softer. I’m choosing to pick up my bible and open it up. I’m choosing to write out my thoughts and prayers in my journal. I know that God is near me. I know there is no where I can go where he will not be.
I know that He made me and because I am His I am all I need to be!
Do you relate to this at all? Do you ever have these moments?
I told you I was going to get my mess out here. I hope you don’t mind. I’ve found that there is such beauty in the mess. There’s encouragement to be found when we share the realness.